Agony Aunt Jody Helps with Your Problems
Dear Aunt Jody,
I desperately need to talk to someone and I don’t know who to turn to. None of my family can help, they wouldn’t understand.
I think I am being stalked by a unicorn. I know this sounds ridiculous, and you probably think I’m really stupid to get myself into this situation in the first place, but I don’t understand why it happened to me at all.
I was very careful; I took all the necessary precautions. I am a virgin, and I know they say not to go into leafy glades by yourself when you are a virgin, just in case, but I was out walking with my friends and got separated from them. It was just the one time, and only for a minute.
Now I am scared of even talking with a boy. I heard that unicorns get really jealous and gut potential suitors with their horns. Is this true? I am very scared and confused, please help.
Anon, Wildlywood Creek.
Hmm, Anon,
I understand you must find it difficult to see how this situation developed. But you must understand that it really does only take one time for this to happen. Are you sure there was nothing more to it? You are quite vague about the actual event in the leafy glade. Did you let this unicorn rest his head in your lap? Did you stroke his mane? If not, then there could be a chance that this is a crush that will pass in time, when the unicorn latches onto some other poor young virgin.
Otherwise I am afraid you are doomed. Unicorns attach themselves to virgins for life. If you marry a suitor, he will also be doomed as unicorns are very jealous. He may indeed be gutted. Your only option in this case is to seek a professional unicorn hunter who will lure the unicorn out of hiding by appearing to make advances towards you. Once the unicorn is out of hiding, he will be shot with a dart and sent to a wild unicorn zoo. These places are very humane, and contain many leafy glades.
This is a distressing time for you, and it will cost your family a lot of money. But best speak to them and deal with this now than be sued for Dangerous Manipulation of an Innocent Animal, or worse, have to pay out large damages to the family of your future suitor upon his gory death.
Good luck,
Aunty Jody
Useful contact numbers:
Royal Society for the Protection of Wild Unicorns: 0800 BORN FREE
Lawyer’s Against Dangerous Manipulation Act: 01156 MAD ACT
Unicorn Hunter’s Guild: 0345 HUNT IT
Leafy Glade Eradication Society: 08910 PROTECT
Unicornized Virgin’s Support Group: 01710 VSG UNI
Psychoanalysis of Unicorns: 01283 REPRESSED
