Altophobia and agrophobia

My sister is afraid of heights. I, on the other hand, love heights. When I was small I would climb up to the top of the eight-foot climbing frame in the back garden and jump off just for the hell of it. I would swing on the tree-swing until vertigo overtook me, and I’d snap back on the rope, weightless for a fraction of a second.

The Ferris wheel? Rollercoasters? Wild horses would have a tough job dragging me away (and I’d probably enjoy it if they were going fast enough). I almost did a bungee jump once, except my miserable friend wouldn’t lend me the money to pay for it.

But my sister? I’d dance at the top of cliffs, waiting for her to join me. I’d watch her get stuck half-way, clinging to clumps of grass and squealing that she wouldn’t, she couldn’t, she had to go back down but she needed help in case she fell and broke something.

People are afraid of different spaces, in different ways.

My uncle is claustrophobic. He won’t go to the cinema because he panics in the darkened theatre in front of the flashing screen. Rooms enclose him, trap him, make him nervous and short of breath. He spends a lot of his spare time out of doors. Funnily enough, he isn’t afraid to crawl under the thin space below a car and tinker with the mechanics. I am. I’m scared to hell it will fall on me.

I think sometimes I have agoraphobia. But I don’t think that’s the word for it. I enjoy huddling up inside. Sometimes I’m reluctant to leave the house. But then again I suppose sometimes I really like to go out for pointless walks.

Not long after I started university I began to have miniature panic attacks. They never went further than difficulty breathing and a painful constriction of the throat, but most usually they would happen when I was walking through town to get to class on a busy day. Too much space, too many people. The vastness of all I saw left me dizzy.

You know, I don’t understand it at all. I’m fine on aeroplanes. And I love standing over a huge city looking down on everything.

Agoraphobia? I’m not sure. It was more the confusion of the people all around, the colours, and the faces. Like a migraine, something to do with all the sensory input and the release of adrenaline.

You know what? I can feel my throat going now.