Monthly Archives: February 2000

Letter to no one

—–Original Message—–
To: jordan@jordanisking.com
From: lourette_tourette@bloody-bastards.co.uk
Sent: 17 July 2004 20:12 GMT
Subject: Fanmail is Getting Out of Hand

Dear Jordan,

Last night I was kidnapped by the Mongol Hordes who took me via my window to a rocket ship that travelled to the dark side of the moon. We landed in a barren area in the Sea of Tranquillity, called The Place of Fire, where I met several small grey aliens with large dark eyes.

Whilst the Mongol Hordes chanted in the surrounding craters, the aliens accused me of writing fanmail to the King of Uraguay (God save him), who never replies. I confessed to these heinous crimes, whereupon I was charged with the task of travelling to the four corners of the earth to seek out the Diamonds of Ice, the Mirror of Truth, the Golden Fleece of Sinbad, and the Giant Marshmallow Bunny of Clinton.

I will shortly be heading to the North Pole to collect the Diamonds of Ice. I do not know when I will return from this perilous mission. Probably later this afternoon as I have to check my email for signs of life. But fortunately the Giant Marshmallow Bunny lives somewhere on the North American continent, so I may be able to kill two birds with one stone and return via Greenland.

P.S. An Albanian has asked me to marry him and I intend to renounce my claim to the throne and run away with him upon completion of my mission.

The swan

I almost drowned myself in the bath last night. I fell asleep somewhere between one drip of the tap and the next. I’d been thinking about a documentary I had seen about the Turin Shroud. Winged guardians moved through my dreams.

The shriek of claws and the thud of feathered bones woke me as I took my first mouthful of bath water. The unholy sound of a flute-necked singer, the giant white flapping of wings.

A swan beat against the glass of the window.

I climbed out of the bath choking and spluttering. I wrapped myself in a towel and ran outside. The swan patrolled the lawn, a haughty baroness of damaged pride. I watched as she lifted away again into the sky.

Something came out of me when I coughed up soapy bath water. Something about air and freedom and angels.

This afternoon after work I took the long way home. Stood in the middle of the lane in the warm summer rain. Gust after gust lifting gust. Held my arms out in the wind and shrieked like the swan.