The fat of the land

We were back in Old Blighty last week. All hell broke loose in the form of a thunderstorm ten minutes after we got off the plane. Everyone repeatedly assured us what fantastic weather the UK had been having. We assured them could not possibly be as nice as Nice. The train from Derby to Sheffield took us through the Dales and allowed me that special appreciation of the English countryside reserved for ex-pats. I was pleased by the romantic, fluffy trees, they’re very different from palms and olives and oranges. The only negative was (yet another) obese woman from “daan saath” who insisted on chatting on her mobile phone for the whole journey about how awful her desk job was. It’s hard not to get dragged in. We’ve grown to like not being able to understand other people’s conversations.

Strangely, there are no crottes de chien in England! Where do they all go?

The British media is still twitting on about Iraq in its disjointed and pseudo-neutral way. Now we have the not so astonishing revelations of war-crimes committed by American and English soldiers, the mistreatment and sexual abuse of Iraqi prisoners, etc. Why is this a surprise to everyone? Did no one really see it coming? What did you think a bunch of ignorant soldiers would do when they got hold of some of “thum thar terrorist Ay-rabs”? Clearly the death and suffering exchange rates of Iraqis to nice white middle class New Yorkers is approximately 50-1 – fifty eyes for an eye. If I hear the phrase “you Aye-raqis should be grateful for us liberatin’ you from an evil dictator like Saddam” one more time I will hijack the Goodyear Blimp and repeatedly bounce it off Canary Wharf myself.

In other extremely predictable news, the Brits seem to be swelling before our very eyes. We came back to (yet another) news article about Brits being told to start dieting and exercising. I am sure the Sheffielders are even more obese than they were at Christmas. Even the staff at the office have put on weight (and acne) …apparently as a result of going on weight watchers. I think Britain will shortly reach critical mass and sink into the North Sea. Put the potatoes and pasta down, please, before we become extinct through coronaries and infertility!

French gastronomy is not for the Rosemary Conleys of this world. The French eat more saturated fat than any other nation. It fills them up so they eat less, whereas Brits with their “healthy” low-fat diets are the ones who get the cancer, heart attacks and are constantly hungry and scoffing on crap out of vending machines. In Nice I am surrounded by gorgeous tall slender women with incredible waist-to-hip ratios I can only dream of.

I finally got my sister on Atkins about six weeks ago. She’s usually irritable and over-sensitive, but according to my father she’s now “positively serene all of the time”. She’s bought an Alsatian puppy that drops crottes de chien all over the house and eats her Ikea furniture and designer trainers. Whilst I was there my mother and mama said things that would normally provoke her, the dogs bounced all over the furniture and fought everywhere (one ran slap bang into the glass of the French window), and the atmosphere was very overwrought, but there we both were as calm as cows, taking it all in with the same detached amusement. She said to me “it totally changes your emotions and outlook and everything”.

Worst news is this: J. has finally spoken to a tax advisor – we just can’t stay, it’s going to be too expensive. Come August I’ll be back in obese Old Blighty buying expensive green vegetables from M&S, assuring everyone what amazing weather we had at the weekend and examining the grey sky for patches of blue. The only crottes de chien will be the ones dropped by Mr Blair while Mr Bush patiently holds his lead on the morning walk around the park.

Early morning fairies

There’s a tree shedding spring blossom in the courtyard outside of our window. In the morning the sun shines down in a narrow strip through the centre of the courtyard, though all the walls remain in darkness. The petals from the tree flutter through the strip of sunshine like fairies, turning to flakes of silver as they catch the light. They hover, dawdle and tumble as if with a mind of their own, sometimes just one, sometimes a flock of twenty or thirty swooping and looping through the early morning air. As the day progresses the sunlight moves and the illusion is dispersed, the fairies becoming white blossom once more.

Plots for stories and novels

I was still awake at three last night messing about on the computer. Too much caffeine. J. is away and I’m lonely. For company in the evening, I’ve been reading other blog sites. Isn’t that sad?

I currently have an incredible amount of creative energy and absolutely zero focus. This damned blog is wasting my time! I’ve had three good ideas already today, and they’ll all end up in the blog if I could just cram writing them all into one evening before the next three come along. I have to sort out The Plot you see, so roll on displacement activities like this.

Maybe the blog is what I need, maybe it will help me get rid of all of the crap and the ranting and the static, so my plots don’t fall apart under the strain of all the different directions I want to take them in. Three new ideas a day is just too much for a book to cope with. Sheesh. You’d think I’d been taking Tyrosine (I do, sometimes) the way the ideas are tumbing out of my head at the moment.

I’ve been researching plots. Some people say there are just two plots, or three plots. My first source for three plots is:

Foster-Harris. The Basic Patterns of Plot. Norman: University of Oklahoma Press, 1959. Foster-Harris contends that there are three basic patterns of plot (p. 66):

  1. “Type A, happy ending”; Foster-Harris argues that the “Type A” pattern results when the central character (which he calls the “I-nitial” character) makes a sacrifice (a decision that seems logically “wrong”) for the sake of another.
  2. “Type B, unhappy ending”; this pattern follows when the “I-nitial” character does what seems logically “right” and thus fails to make the needed sacrifice.
  3. “Type C, the literary plot”, in which, no matter whether we start from the happy or the unhappy fork, proceeding backwards we arrive inevitably at the question, where we stop to wail.” This pattern requires more explanation (Foster-Harris devotes a chapter to the literary plot.) In short, the “literary plot” is one that does not hinge upon decision, but fate; in it, the critical event takes place at the beginning of the story rather than the end. What follows from that event is inevitable, often tragedy. (This in fact coincides with the classical Greek notion of tragedy, which is that such events are fated and inexorable.)

[Quoted from original here]

In other words, Comedy, Tragedy, and Postmodern. The same source suggest a list of seven plots:

  1. [wo]man vs. nature
  2. [wo]man vs. man
  3. [wo]man vs. the environment
  4. [wo]man vs. machines/technology
  5. [wo]man vs. the supernatural
  6. [wo]man vs. self
  7. [wo]man vs. god/religion

[Quoted from original here]

This article includes reference to several other ways of sorting stories into different plots, including nine from John Carroll (the virtuous whore; the troubled hero; salvation by a god; soulmate love; the mother; the value of work; fate; the origin of evil; and self-sacrifice). Seven spheres of action in fairytales from Russian folklorist Vladimir Propp, based on archetypal characters: (the villain, the provider, the helper, the king’s daughter, the dispatcher, the hero, and the false hero). And three: man versus man, man versus nature, and man versus himself. This is a similar notion to the seven “[wo]man versus…” listed above.

A British literary analyst, Colin Jackson, boldly asserts on his Web site: “There are only three stories proven to engage an audience. I choose to name them ‘Hubris’, ‘Discardation’ and ‘New Order’.” Hubris is the sin of pride, which will be punished (Jurassic Park); Discardation is the loss of something (E.T.), and New Order is an attempt to achieve change (Star Wars).

[Quoted from original here]

Denis Johnston, the Irish playwright, also says there are seven plots (this was later expanded to eight plots according to his son Rory Johnston, then nine plots when another was added by an American author, Robert Blake during a discussion of the film Casablanca which seems to contain them all!).

Denis Johnston’s plots:

  1. Cinderella – Unrecognised virtue at last recognised. It’s the same story as the Tortoise and the Hare. Cinderella doesn’t have to be a girl, nor does it even have to be a love story. What is essential is that the good is despised, but is recognised in the end, something that we all want to believe.
  2. Achilles – The Fatal Flaw, that is the groundwork for practically all classical tragedy, although it can be made comedy too, as in the old standard Aldwych farce. Lennox Robinson’s The Whiteheaded Boy is the Fatal Flaw In reverse.
  3. Faust – The Debt that Must be Paid, the fate that catches up with all of us sooner or later. This is found in all its purity as the chase in O’Neill’s The Emperor Jones. And in a completely different mood, what else is the Cherry Orchard?
  4. Tristan – that standard triangular plot of two women and one man, or two men and one woman. The Constant Nymph, or almost any French farce.
  5. Circe – The Spider and the Fly. Othello. The Barretts of Wimpole Street, if you want to change the sex. And if you don’t believe me about Othello (the real plot of which is not the triangle and only incidentally jealousy) try casting it with a good Desdemona but a poor Iago.
  6. Romeo and Juliet – Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, Boy either finds or does not find Girl: it doesn’t matter which.
  7. Orpheus – The Gift taken Away. This may take two forms: either the tragedy of the loss itself, as in Juno and the Paycock, or it may be about the search that follows the loss, as in Jason and the Golden Fleece.
  8. The Hero Who Cannot Be Kept Down. The best example of this is that splendid play Harvey, made into a film with James Stewart.

[Quoted from the original here]

Robert Blake’s addition:

  1. The homeless loner. The classics are the Wandering Jew and the Flying Dutchman, or Shane, The Fugitive, the Kung Fu TV series, and several Clint Eastwood characters. Mostly the drifter rides into the sunset or walks into the fog, but Aragorn, who starts as Strider in Fellowship of the Ring, transcends the archetype and becomes king.

[Quoted from the original here]

I quite like the Wandering Jew archetype: I used to love watching The Littlest Hobo as a child. My favourite from this list though, is Circe. Perhaps that’s because I like very strong plot twists, or even because I place such a high value in self-awareness/deliberation/cynicism/over-thinking things. Or maybe it’s based on the characters I like to write about, who are all old, wise and immortal and therefore not prone to making mistakes and generally quite crafty.

But there are other ways of looking at plots too, in terms of their structure rather than their archetypal resonance. I found a great student’s web page by one Clare and Emily (webpage now removed) who have something to say on this (their source is Kubis, Pat and Robert Howlands. The Complete Guide to Writing Fiction and Nonfiction: and Getting it Published. 2nd ed. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, Inc. 1990):

Modern dramatic plot

  1. Intent – The main character has a goal/mission.
  2. 1st barrier – Something challenges the goal.
  3. 1st barrier reversal – The protagonist commits an act which overcomes the barrier.
  4. High point – Success is in sight. Outlook is good for the main character.
  5. 2nd reversal – An event frustrates the protagonists’ progress again.
  6. Catastrophe – The main character is brought down to a low point in the story. (S)he may even be permanently defeated here.
  7. Resolution – The protagonist’s strengths carry him/her through the tough times into a final resolution of coping with the permanent failure or finding success after all.

[Quoted from original at marquette.edu, now removed]

Examples of the modern dramatic plot structure can be found in Shakespeare’s plays:

  1. Exposition: introduces characters and setting; provides basic information about relationships between characters and an initial conflict between them. (A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Hermia doesn’t want to marry Demetrius, the man her father has picked. [...])
  2. Rising Action: suspense builds;”the plot thickens.”Characters make decisions in response to the opening conflict; these decisions complicate the action.Opens up the plot, allowing for different possibilities of resolution. (A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Hermia and Lysander elope; others follow them to the woods.[...])
  3. Turning Point: characters or circumstances change (for the worse or the better) due to an action upon which the main plot hinges. The central or focal point of the play, hence the main purpose of the action. (A Midsummer Night’s Dream: after ridiculous confusion, the lovers are matched appropriately.[...]
  4. Falling Action: the unravelling of complications leads to the resolution of conflict. (A Midsummer Night’s Dream: the lovers’ choices receive official sanction[...]
  5. Conclusion: in comedies (and romances), celebration of a new order[...]. In tragedy, this restoration of order comes at great cost; in romance, seemingly due to divine providence, manifest through improbable supernatural occurrences.[...]

[Quoted from original here]

Simple Plot

James Joyce called this the epiphany plot. Here, all events and descriptions build, each one carrying the preceding scene a bit further until a high point (climax) is reached–a grand realization. This is recommended for stories whose theme is based on discovery.

Episodic Plot

This is similar to the modern dramatic plot, except that the peaks and lows are all of equal magnitude. Usually there are many plot turns (as opposed to the two reversals in the modern dramatic plot.)

[Quoted from original at marquette.edu, now removed]

Examples of episodic plots include television series like Buffy, or the X-Files or DS9, in which a continuing mythology is built up throughout the series which leads to a final showdown at the end of each season. More on episodic and singular/simple plots in television.

The episodic plot is also found throughout ancient mythology in hero’s tales. The hero undertakes a journey, meeting various characters and fighting various battles on the way to fulfil his quest. This would fit Denis Johnston’s Orpheus plot. Examples include: The Iliad, The Odyssey, The Oresteia, Igphigenia in Aulis, The Aeneid, and Trolius and Cressida. I would like to add Beowulf to this list found here on the hero’s journey.

The American mythologist Joseph Campbell added that humans also respond instinctively to an archetypal storyline, which he called The Hero’s Journey. An individual is called on a quest, meets a mentor and various allies on the road, fights enemies before confronting the ultimate evil, goes through a symbolic death and resurrection, and eventually brings back “the elixir” to save the tribe. (If that sounds familiar, it’s because George Lucas consciously adopted Campbell’s outline for Star Wars).

[Quoted from original here]

Go here for a reference to Joseph Campbell’s book, The Hero’s Journey, and there’s also an excellent article about Joseph Campbell.

Exploring the hero’s journey further, I found a reference to a specifically feminine version, the Girls Underground archetype.

A girl, either young (around 7) or older (16) enters the Otherworld/Underworld, often because of a stupid mistake (or wish). She is first initiated and/or guided by a creature from that world. She has more than one companion, often otherworldly creatures, and together they navigate a strange path of labyrinthine nature. They are thwarted along the way by an adversary and the adversary’s minions. If the adversary is male (as it is in the older archetype), there can be some romantic/sexual aspect to their relationship. During the journey, the girl encounters some kind of drug, and spends some time forgetting herself. She interacts with people or things that are somehow connected to her normal life at home. There is often an issue of time running out, or time behaves strangely. When she nears her goal (often the rescue of a loved one), she is separated from her companions for awhile, and this culminates in a one-on-one showdown with the adversary, which frequently involves exposing a fraud. Modern versions often feature music, poetry and/or riddles. And frequently there is an animate/talking door involved.

[Quoted from Sarah Kate Istra Winter's site]

The examples given? Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz, The Labyrinth. Various other stories, including Legend, bear more than a passing resemblance too. Being a great Labyrinth fan, I’ve now realised just how much this archetype has influenced my own writing. My first novel (a girl spirited away into a vampire realm) is based around this archetype.

Hourglass Plot

This story focuses on two characters’ lives that intersect. A great example of this is Twain’s The Prince and the Pauper.

[Quoted from original at marquette.edu, now removed]

I found someone complaining that they couldn’t find a book about the seven plots, who cites some good examples of the hourglass plot in Martin Amis’s books:

“One of the seven, I am sure, is the hourglass plot, in which two characters begin high and low, cross in the middle, like an hourglass, and swap positions at the end. Martin Amis, for one, can write nothing else. Success is quintessentially hourglass; and Money and The Information both rely heavily on hourglass elements.”

[Quoted from original here]

The hourglass plot is one of my favourites, as it relies heavily on characterisation and the tension created between the characters, and Martin Amis uses it to its full force. Poppy Z. Brite uses it too, in Lost Souls and in Exquisite Corpse, though she uses a more complicated form that has more than two opposing sets of characters.

I like the hourglass plot because of the energy and tension it builds up. You know that the characters will meet, that things will eventually go kaboom! with terrible or hilarious consequences.

Circle Plot

This is a difficult one to write well. Here, the core of the plot is an event or circumstance like an earthquake or a revolution. The event brings characters together to reveal the significance of the event. We see the event through multiple perspectives. Each character has his/her own dramatic or episodic plot, almost like a frametale.

[Quoted from original at marquette.edu, now removed]

“Circular stories follow a “round” pattern – they begin and end in the same. Like the cycle of seasons or the life cycle, circular stories follow a predictable series of events that returns to the starting point.”

[Quoted from original here]

I found it hard to get hold of an example of a circle plot. It seems strange that the plot regarded as one of the hardest to do well is the one that seems to be getting taught to school children. I even found an interactive circle plot tool for children. I even found an example of a circle plot in this cute little girl’s vampire story. My own stories The Widower and The Cyclamen both fit variations of the circle plot, though I had no idea that that is what I was doing when I was writing them.

Twenty Master Plots

In the book 20 Master Plots (And How to Build Them), Ronald B. Tobias lists the following:

  1. Quest
  2. Adventure
  3. Pursuit
  4. Rescue
  5. Escape
  6. Revenge
  7. The Riddle
  8. Rivalry
  9. Underdog
  10. Temptation
  11. Metamorphis
  12. Transformation
  13. Maturation
  14. Love
  15. Forbidden Love
  16. Sacrifice
  17. Discovery
  18. Wretched Excess
  19. Ascension
  20. Descension

We can see from this list how his plots overlap Denis Johnston, how some variations are separated out for individual attention, such as the Love and Forbidden Love, which Johnston groups under Romeo and Juliet., which in turn overlaps with Tristan, which might include some versions of Tobias’s Temptation. Quest is the episodic plot, the hero’s journey, or Orpheus, which might also include Pursuit and Adventure, and even The Riddle. The Underdog parallels Johnston’s Cinderella and can be found in Charlotte Bronte’s Jayne Eyre and even Austen’s Emma and Pride and Prejudice.

I wonder whether Metamorphosis differs fundamentally from Transformation and Maturation? Similarly, Ascension and Descension seem to be very broad “catch all” terms. I think my favourites are The Underdog, Metamorphosis, Forbidden Love,Discovery and Wretched Excess. What does that say about my personality?

The Thirty Six Plots

In The Thirty-Six Dramatic Situations (trans. Lucille Ray), Georges Polti says that there are thirty six dramatic situations and variations on these situations. Someone added a 37th plot, though there is no source recorded for the addition.

  1. Supplication (in which the Supplicant must beg something from Power in authority)
  2. Deliverance
  3. Crime Pursued by Vengeance
  4. Vengeance taken for kindred upon kindred
  5. Pursuit
  6. Disaster
  7. Falling Prey to Cruelty of Misfortune
  8. Revolt
  9. Daring Enterprise
  10. Abduction
  11. The Enigma (temptation or a riddle)
  12. Obtaining
  13. Enmity of Kinsmen
  14. Rivalry of Kinsmen
  15. Murderous Adultery
  16. Madness
  17. Fatal Imprudence
  18. Involuntary Crimes of Love (example: discovery that one has married one’s mother, sister, etc.)
  19. Slaying of a Kinsman Unrecognized
  20. Self-Sacrificing for an Ideal
  21. Self-Sacrifice for Kindred
  22. All Sacrificed for Passion
  23. Necessity of Sacrificing Loved Ones
  24. Rivalry of Superior and Inferior
  25. Adultery
  26. Crimes of Love
  27. Discovery of the Dishonour of a Loved One
  28. Obstacles to Love
  29. An Enemy Loved
  30. Ambition
  31. Conflict with a God
  32. Mistaken Jealousy
  33. Erroneous Judgement
  34. Remorse
  35. Recovery of a Lost One
  36. Loss of Loved Ones.
  37. [Anonymous addition]: Mistaken Identity

[reproduced from here]

A full breakdown of all of Georges Polti’s thirty six plots (or thirty seven plots) can be found at the bottom of this document. We can see how these again, overlap and are distinct from Denis Johnston’s plots and Ronald Tobias’s plots. An Enemy Loved or Obstacles to Love could relate to Romeo and Juliet, Mistaken Jealousy could relate to Circe, and the example of Othello. Some are directly related: The Enigma, is of course, The Riddle.

Phew! So where does that leave us? Well, Robert Blake said that Casablanca contained all eight of Denis Johnston’s plots plus one additional plot of his own, that means we can combine elements from many plots, and all of the different perceptions here. We could use a modern literary plot for the structure, combine it with an hourglass plot in terms of the character development and then throw in Circe as the main hidden theme whilst superficially using Sacrifice/Self Sacrifice for Kindred as the story.

Now I just have to go away and put the thing together…

Full Breakdown of Georges Polti’s Thirty Six Plots

1. SUPPLICATION (To humbly petition). Elements: a persecutor, a humble petitioner, and a power in authority whose decision is doubtful.

A1 Fugitives imploring the powerful for help against their enemies.

A2 Assistance implored for the performance of a pious duty which has been forbidden.

A3 Appeals for refuge in which to die.

B1 Hospitality besought by the shipwrecked.

B2 Charity entreated by those cast off by their own people, whom they have disgraced.

B3 Expiation: the seeking of pardon, healing or deliverance.

B4 The surrender of a corpse, or relic, solicited.

C1 Supplication of the powerful for those dear to the suppliant.

C2 Supplication to a relative in behalf of another relative.

C3 Supplication to a mother’s lover, in her behalf.

2. DELIVERANCE. Elements: an unfortunate, a threatener, a rescuer.

A Appearance of a rescuer to the condemned.

B1 A parent replaced on the throne by his children.

B2 Rescue by friends, or by strangers grateful for benefits or hospitality.

3. CRIME PUNISHED BY VENGEANCE. Elements: an avenger and a criminal.

A1 The avenging of a slain parent or ancestor.

A2 The avenging of a slain child or descendant.

A3 Vengeance for a child dishonored.

A4 The avenging of a slain wife or husband.

A5 Vengeance for the dishonor, or the attempted dishonoring, of a wife.

A6 Vengeance for a mistress slain.

A7 Vengeance for a slain or injured friend.

A8 Vengeance for a sister seduced.

B1 Vengeance for intentional injury or spoilation.

B2 Vengeance for having been dispoiled during absence.

B3 Revenge for an attempted slaying.

B4 Revenge for a false accusation.

B5 Vengeance for violation.

B6 Vengeance for having been robbed of one’s own.

B7 Revenge upon a whole sex for a deception by one.

C Professional pursuit of criminals.

4. VENGEANCE TAKEN FOR KINDRED UPON KINDRED. Elements: Avenging kinsman, guilty kinsman, remembrance of the victim, a relative of both.

A1 A father’s death avenged upon a mother.

A2 A mother avenged upon a father.

B A brother’s death avenged upon a son.

C A father’s death avenged upon a husband.

D A husband’s death avenged upon a father.

5. PURSUIT. Elements: Punishment and fugitive.

A Fugitives from justice pursued for crimes, political offenses, etc.

B Pursued for a fault of love.

C A hero struggling against a power.

D A pseudo-madman struggling against an alienist.

6. DISASTER. Elements: A vanquished power, a victorious enemy or a messenger.

A1 Defeat suffered.

A2 A fatherland destroyed.

A3 The fall of humanity.

A4 A natural catastrophe.

B A monarch overthrown.

C1 Ingratitude suffered.

C2 The suffering of unjust punishment or enmity.

C3 An outrage suffered.

D1 Abandonment by a lover or a husband.

D2 Children lost by their parents.

7. FALLING PREY TO CRUELTY OR MISFORTUNE. Elements: an Unfortunate; a Master or a Misfortune.

A The innocent made the victim of ambitious intrigue.

B The innocent despoiled by those who should protect.

C1 The powerful dispossessed and wretched.

C2 A favorite or an intimate finds himself forgotten.

D The unfortunate robbed of their only hope.

8. REVOLT. Elements: Tyrant and Conspirator.

A1 A conspiracy chiefly of one individual.

A2 A conspiracy of several.

B1 Revolt of one individual, who influences and involves others.

B2 A revolt of many.

9. DARING ENTERPRISE. Elements: A bold leader, an object, an adversary.

A Preparations for war.

B1 War.

B2 Combat.

C1 Carrying off a desired person or object.

C2 Recapture of a desired object.

D1 Adventurous expeditions.

D2 Adventure undertaken for the purpose of obtaining a beloved woman.

10. ABDUCTION. Elements: The abductor, the abducted, the guardian.

A Abduction of an unwilling woman.

B Abduction of a consenting woman.

C1 Recapture of the woman without the slaying of the abductor.

C2 The same case, with the slaying of the ravisher.

D1 Rescue of a captive friend.

D2 Of a child.

D3 Of a soul in captivity to error.

11. THE ENIGMA. Elements: Interrogator, seeker, and problem.

A Search for a person who must be found on pain of death.

B1 A riddle to be solved on pain of death.

B2 The same case, in which the riddle is proposed by the coveted woman.

C1 Temptations suffered with the object of discovering his name.

C2 Temptations offered with the object of ascertaining the sex.

C3 Tests for the purpose of ascertaining the mental condition.

12. OBTAINING. Elements: A solicitor and an adversary who is refusing, or an arbitrator opposing parties.

A Efforts to obtain an object by ruse or force.

B Endeavor by means of persuasive eloquence along.

C Eloquence with an arbitrator.

13. ENMITY OF KINSMEN. Elements: A malevolent kinsman, a hated or reciprocally hating kinsman.

A Hatred of brothers:

A1 One brother hated by several.

A2 Reciprocal hatred.

A3 Hatred between relatives for reasons of self-interest.

B Hatred of father and son:

B1 Of the son for the father.

B2 Mutual hatred.

B3 Hatred of daughter for father.

C Hatred of grandfather for grandson.

D Hatred of father-in-law for son-in-law.

E Hatred of mother-in-law for son-in-law.

F Infanticide.

14. RIVALRY OF KINSMEN. Elements: the preferred kinsman, the rejected kinsman, and the object.

A1 Malicious rivalry of a brother.

A2 Malicious rivalry of two brothers.

A3 Rivalry of two brothers, with adultery on the part of one.

A4 Rivalry of sisters.

B1 Rivalry of father and son, for an unmarried woman.

B2 Rivalry of father and son, for a married woman.

B3 Case similar to the two foregoing, but in which the object is already

the wife of the father.

B4 Rivalry of mother and daughter.

C Rivalry of cousins.

D Rivalry of friends.

15. MURDEROUS ADULTERY. Elements: Two adulterers, betrayed husband or wife.

A1 The slaying of a husband by or for a paramour.

A2 The slaying of a trusting lover.

B Slaying of a wife for a paramour, and in self-interest.

16. MADNESS. Elements: Madman and victim.

A1 Kinsman slain in madness.

A2 A lover slain in madness.

A3 Slaying or injuring of a person not hated.

B Disgrace brought upon oneself through madness.

C Loss of loved ones brought about by madness.

D Madness brought on by fear of hereditary insanity.

17. FATAL IMPRUDENCE. Elements: The imprudent, the victim or the object lost.

A1 Imprudence the cause of one’s own misfortune.

A2 Imprudence the cause of one’s own dishonor.

B1 Curiosity the cause of one’s own misfortune.

B2 Loss of the possession of a loved one, through curiosity.

C1 Curiosity the cause of death or misfortune to others.

C2 Imprudence the cause of a relative’s death.

C3 Imprudence the cause of a lover’s death.

C4 Credulity the cause of kinsman’s death.

18. OEDIPAL. Elements: The lover, the loved, and the revealer.

A1 Discovery that one has married one’s mother.

A2 Discovery that one has had one’s sister as mistress.

B1 Discovery that one has married one’s sister.

B2 The same case, in which the crime has been villainously planned by a third person.

B3 Being upon the point of taking one’s sister, unknowingly, as a mistress.

C Being upon the point of violating, unknowingly, a daughter.

D1 Being upon the point of committing an adultery, unknowingly.

D2 Adultery committed unknowingly.

19. SLAYING OF A KINSMAN UNRECOGNIZED. Elements: The slayer, the unrecognized victim.

A1 Being upon the point of slaying a daughter unknowingly, by command of a divinity or an oracle.

A2 Through political necessity.

A3 Through a rivalry in love.

A4 Through hatred of the lover of the unrecognized daughter.

B1 Being upon the point of killing a son unknowingly.

B2 The same as case B1, strengthened by Machiavellian instigations.

B3 The same as case B2, intermixed with hatred of kinsmen.

C Being upon the point of killing one’s brother unknowingly:

C1 Brothers slaying in anger.

C2 A sister slaying through professional duty.

D Slaying of a mother unrecognized.

E1 A father slain unknowingly through Machiavellian advice.

E2 The simple slaying of a father unrecognized.

E3 The same case reduced from murder to simple insult.

F1 A grandfather slain unknowingly, in vengeance and through instigation.

F2 Slain involuntarily.

F3 A father-in-law killed involuntarily.

G1 Involuntary killing of a loved woman.

G2 Upon the point of killing a lover unrecognized.

G3 Failure to rescue an unrecognized son.

20. SELF-SACRIFICING FOR AN IDEAL. Elements: The hero, the ideal, the creditor or the person or things sacrificed.

A1 Sacrifice of life for the sake of one’s word.

A2 Life sacrificed for the success of one’s people.

A3 Life sacrificed for the happiness of one’s people.

A4 Life sacrificed in filial piety.

A5 Life sacrificed for the sake of one’s faith.

B1 Both love and life sacrificed for the sake of a cause.

B2 Love sacrificed to interests of state.

C Sacrifice of well-being to duty.

D The ideal of honor sacrificed to the ideal of faith.

21. SELF-SACRIFICE FOR KINDRED. Elements: The hero, the kinsman, the creditor or the person or thing sacrificed.

A1 Life sacrificed for that of a relative or loved one.

A2 Life sacrificed for the happiness of a relative or loved one.

B1 Ambition sacrificed for the happiness of a parent.

B2 Ambition sacrificed for the life of a parent.

C1 Love sacrificed for the sake of a parent’s life.

C2 For the happiness of one’s child.

C3 For the happiness of a loved one.

C4 The same as 2, but caused by unjust laws.

D1 Life and honor sacrificed for the life of a parent or loved one.

D2 Modesty sacrificed for the life of a relative or a loved one.

22. ALL SACRIFICED FOR A PASSION. Elements: The lover, the object of the fatal passion, and the person or thing sacrificed.

A1 Religious vows of chastity broken for passion.

A2 A vow of purity broken.

A3 Respect for a priest destroyed.

A4 Power ruined by a passion.

A5 Ruin of mind, health, and life.

A6 Passion gratified at the price of life.

A7 Ruin of fortunes, lives, and honor.

B Temptations (see 12) destroying the sense of duty, pity, etc.

C1 Destruction of honor, fortune, and life by erotic vice.

C2 The same effect produced by any other vice.

23. NECESSITY OF SACRIFICING LOVED ONES. Elements: The hero, the beloved victim, and the necessity for the sacrifice.

A1 Necessity for sacrificing a daughter in the public interest.

A2 Duty of sacrificing her in fulfillment of a vow to God.

B1 Duty of sacrificing, under the same circumstances, one’s father.

B3 Duty of sacrificing, under the same circumstances, one’s husband.

B4 Duty of sacrificing a son-in-law for the public good.

B5 Same case under the sake of reputation.

B6 Duty of contending with a brother-in-law for the public good.

B7 Duty of contending with a friend.

24. RIVALRY OF SUPERIOR AND INFERIOR. Elements: The superior rival, the inferior rival, and the object.

A Masculine rivalries.

A1 Of a mortal and immortal.

A2 Of two divinities of unequal power.

A3 Of a magician and an ordinary man.

A4 Of conqueror and conquered.

A5 Of victor and vanquished.

A6 Of a master and a banished man.

A7 Of usurper and subject.

A8 Of Suzerian King and Vassal Kings.

A9 Of a powerful person and upstart.

A10 Of rich and poor.

A11 Of an honored man and a suspected one.

A12 Rivalry of two who are almost equal.

A13 Rivalry of equals, one of whom in the past has been proved guilty of adultery.

A14 Of a man who is loved and one who has not the right to love.

A15 Of the two (or more) successive husbands of a divorcee.

B Feminine rivalries.

B1 Of a sorceress and an ordinary woman.

B2 Of victor and prisoner.

B3 Of a queen and slave.

B4 Of lady and servant.

B5 Of a lady and a woman of humbler position.

B6 Of a lady and two women of humbler class.

B7 Rivalry of two who are almost equals, complicated by the abandonment of one.

B8 Rivalry between the memory or an ideal (that of a superior woman) and a vassal of her own.

B9 Rivalry of mortal and immortal.

C Double rivalry (A loves B, who loves C, who loves D).

D Oriental rivalries (Hindu polygamy).

D1 Rivalry of two immortals.

D2 Of two mortals.

D3 Of two lawful wives.

25. ADULTERY. Elements: A deceived husband or wife and two adulterers.

A A mistress betrayed:

A1 For a young woman.

A2 For a young wife.

A3 For a girl.

B A wife betrayed:

B1 For a slave, who does not love in return.

B2 For debauchery.

B3 For a married woman.

B4 With the intention of bigamy.

B5 For a young girl, who does not love in return.

B6 A wife envied by a young girl who is in love with her husband.

B7 By a courtesan.

B8 Rivalry between a lawful wife who is antipathetic and a mistress who is congenial.

B9 Between a generous wife and an impassioned girl.

C1 An antagonistic husband sacrificed for a congenial lover.

C2 A husband, believed to be lost, forgotten for a rival.

C3 A commonplace husband sacrificed for a sympathetic lover.

C4 A good husband betrayed for an inferior rival.

C5 For a grotesque rival.

C6 For an odious rival.

C7 For a commonplace rival, by a perverse wife.

C8 For a less handsome, but useful rival (with comic false suspicions).

D1 Vengeance of a deceived husband.

D2 Jealousy sacrificed out of pity.

E A husband persecuted by a rejected rival.

26. CRIMES OF LOVE. Elements: The lover and the betrayed.

A1 A mother in love with her son.

A2 A daughter in love with her father.

A3 Violation of a daughter by her father.

B1 A woman enamored of her stepson.

B2 A woman and her stepson enamored of each other.

B3 A woman being the mistress, at the same time, of a father and son, both of whom accept the situation.

C1 A man becomes the lover of his sister-in-law.

C2 The man alone becomes enamored.

C3 A brother and sister in love with each other.

D1 A man enamored of another man, who yields.

D2 A woman enamored of a bull.

27. DISCOVERY OF THE DISHONOR OF A LOVED ONE. Elements: The discoverer and the guilty one.

A1 Discovery of a mother’s shame.

A2 Discovery of a father’s shame.

A3 Discovery of a daughter’s dishonor.

B1 Discovery that one’s wife has been violated before marriage… since the marriage.

B2 That she previously committed a fault.

B3 Discovery that one’s wife has formerly been a prostitute.

B4 Discovery of dishonor on the part of a lover.

B5 Discovery that one’s mistress, formerly a prostitute, has returned to her old life.

B6 Discovery that one’s lover is a scoundrel, or that one’s mistress is a woman of bad character… The same discovery concerning a so-called king.

B7 The same discovery concerning one’s wife.

C Discovery that one’s son is an assassin.

D1 Duty of punishing a son who is a traitor to country. A brother who is a traitor to his party.

D2 Duty of punishing a son condemned under a law which the father has made.

D3 Duty of punishing a son believed to be guilty.

D4 Duty of sacrificing, to fulfill a vow of tyrannicide, a father until then unknown.

D5 Duty of punishing a brother who is an assassin.

D6 Duty of punishing one’s mother to avenge one’s father.

28. OBSTACLES TO LOVE. Elements: Two lovers and an obstacle.

A1 Marriage prevented by inequality of rank.

A2 Inequality of fortune an impediment to marriage.

B Marriage prevented by enemies and contingent obstacles.

C1 Marriage forbidden on account of the young woman’s previous betrothal to another.

C2 The same case, complicated by an imaginary marriage of the beloved object.

D1 A free union impeded by the opposition of relatives.

D2 Family affection disturbed by the parents-in-law.

E By the incompatibility of temper of the lovers.

F Love

29. AN ENEMY LOVED. Elements: The beloved enemy, the lover, and the hater.

A The loved one hated by the kinsman of the lover.

A1 The lover pursued by the brothers of his beloved.

A2 The lover hated by the family of his beloved.

A3 The lover is the son of a man hated by the kinsmen of his beloved.

A4 The beloved is an enemy of the party of the woman who loves him.

B1 The lover is the slayer of the father of his beloved.

B2 The beloved is the slayer of the father of the beloved.

B3 The beloved is the slayer of the brother of her lover.

B4 The beloved is the slayer of the husband of the woman who loves him, but who has previously sworn to avenge that husband.

B5 The same case, except that a lover, instead of a husband, has been slain.

B6 The beloved is the slayer of a kinsman of the woman who loves him.

B7 The beloved is the daughter of the slayer of her lover’s father.

30. AMBITION. Elements: An ambitious person, a thing coveted, and an adversary.

A1 Ambition watched and guarded against by a kinsman or patriot friend or by a brother.

A2 By a relative or person under obligation.

A3 By partisans.

B Rebellious ambition (akin to #8).

C1 Ambition and covetousness heaping crime upon crime.

C2 Parricidal ambition.

31. CONFLICT WITH A GOD. Elements: A mortal and an immortal.

A1 Struggle against a deity

A2 Strife with the believers in a god.

B1 Controversy with a deity.

B2 Punishment for contempt of a god.

B3 Punishment for pride before a god.

B4 Presumptuous rivalry with a god.

B5 Imprudent rivalry with a deity.

32. MISTAKEN JEALOUSY. Elements: The jealous one, the object of whose possession he is jealous, the supposed accomplice, and the cause or the author of the mistake.

A1 The mistake originates in the suspicious mind of the jealous one.

A2 Mistaken jealousy aroused by a fatal chance.

A3 Mistaken jealousy of a love which is purely platonic.

A4 Baseless jealousy aroused by malicious rumors.

B1 Jealousy suggested by a traitor who is moved by hatred.

B2 The same case, in which the traitor is moved by self-interest.

B3 The same case, in which the traitor is moved by jealousy and self-interest.

C1 Reciprocal jealousy suggested to husband and wife by a rival.

C2 Jealousy suggested to the husband by a woman who is in love with him.

C3 Jealousy suggested to the wife by a second rival.

C4 Jealousy suggested to a happy lover by a deceived husband.

33. ERRONEOUS JUDGEMENT. Elements: The mistaken one, the victim of the mistake, the cause or author of the mistake, and the guilty person.

A1 False suspicion where faith is necessary.

A2 False suspicion (in which the jealousy is not without reason) of a mistress.

A3 False suspicions aroused by a misunderstood attitude of a loved one.

A4 By indifference.

B1 False suspicions drawn upon oneself to save a friend.

B2 They fall upon the innocent husband of the guilty one.

B3 The same case as B2, but in which the innocent had a guilty intention or in which the innocent believes himself guilty.

B4 A witness to a crime, in the interest of a loved one, lets accusation

fall upon the innocent.

C1 The accusation is allowed to fall upon an enemy.

C2 The error is provoked by an enemy.

C3 The mistake is directed against the victim by her brother.

D1 False suspicion thrown by the real culprit upon one of his enemies.

D2 Thrown by the real culprit upon the second victim against whom he has

plotted from the beginning.

D3 False suspicion thrown upon a rival.

D4 Thrown upon one innocent, because he has refused to be an accomplice.

D5 Thrown by a deserted mistress upon a lover who left her because he would not deceive her husband.

D6 Struggle to rehabilitate oneself and to avenge a judicial error purposely caused.

34. REMORSE. Elements: The culprit, the victim or the sin, and the interrogator.

A1 Remorse for an unknown crime.

A2 Remorse for parricide.

A3 Remorse for an assassination… for a judicial murder.

A4 Remorse for the murder of husband or wife.

B1 Remorse for a fault of love.

B2 Remorse for adultery.

35. RECOVERY OF A LOST ONE. Elements: The seeker and the one found.

36. LOSS OF LOVED ONES. Elements: A kinsman slain, a kinsman spectator, and an executioner.

A1 Witnessing the slaying of kinsmen, while powerless to prevent it.

A2 Helping to bring misfortune upon one’s people through professional secrecy.

B Divining the death of a loved one.

C Learning of the death of a kinsman or ally.

D Relapse in primitive baseness, through despair on learning of the death of a loved one.

The anonymous addition:

37. MISTAKEN IDENTITY.

A Thinking someone is rich when he’s poor.

B The wrong man caught in the web of fear.

C Schizophrenia.

[reproduced from here]

Mon chou-chou!

No, it isn’t an April Fool.

In France, mon chou is an endearment – just as the English might say,”my duck” or “my darling”, so the French call their partners “my cabbage”.

The endearment is extended to children too: mon p’tit chou (my little cabbage), or mon bout d’chou (my bit of cabbage) are both used regularly. I’ve seen signs saying bout d’chou and pour le chou-chou in shop windows, advertising items for the “little darlings”.

Chouchou (cabbage-cabbage) is my favourite. The next time you hear a small French child speaking, listen out for the phrase, they sing it out to themselves all the time.

Cabbage related keywords:

Le chou – cabbage

Le chou-fleur – cauliflower

La choucroute – sauerkraut

Le chou rouge – red cabbage

Les choux de Bruxelles – Brussels sprouts

Poisson d’Avril

Why do you have a fish on your back?

April Fools Day celebrations in France demonstrate the uniquely absurdist French sense of humour. It’s customary to give your friends little chocolate fish. The classic April Fools Day prank is to stick a paper fish on someone’s back. The unfortunate victim is then taunted with the phrase “Poisson d’Avril“, or “April Fish”.

Where did the celebration come from?

In late March the Romans honored the resurrection of Attis, son of the Great Mother Cybele, with the Hilaria celebration. This involved rejoicing and the donning of disguises. Hilaria means joyful celebration, and it is a word that has passed down to the English in the word hilarious, so these cheerful springtime celebrations have been with us for some time.

Where did the practical jokes originate?

A modern theory goes like this: In 1582 France became the first country to switch from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar established by the Council of Trent (1563). The New Year was moved from the end of March to January the 1st. Those who were unaware or disregarded the change and continued to celebrate the New Year between March 25th (Lady Day in England), and April the 1st, became the butt of various jokes.

But what about the fish???

This may have origins in the abundance of fish found in French rivers during early April after the young fish had just hatched. Much like March hares have a reputation for being mad, these Poisson d’Avril had a reputation for stupidity, being easy to fool with a hook and lure. To protect fish stocks for the year ahead, it was against the law to fish them. It may have become customary to fool people in celebration of the abundance of foolish fish.

Promenade putain

The weather has that summery feeling again, the wind is warm and full of aromatic smells. There was a whole street near Grimaldi that smelled like someone cooking curry. Aaaah. I was out running errands earlier and I could smell the sea two streets back from the seafront, so as it had me by the nose, I went to have a walk on the prom. I just stood enjoying the waves and the lovely fresh seaweed smell. I sat down on the rail on the edge of the front, imagining white horses on pebble beaches… and yes, thirty seconds after I sat down, I got hit on.

Twice, in the space of a minute. What is wrong with these French men? What do you do in that situation? I have tried shaking my head and ignoring them, but that seems to lead me further into their hands. It’s like a beggar asking for money – the social embarrassment of the situation means you’d rather not reply, but then they get insistent, try to humiliate you for your supposed rudeness. Here’s what’s rude: persisting on hitting on me when I’m clearly trying to ignore you! I didn’t come to the promenade looking for sex: I came to look at the waves.

“I’m sorry, I’d like to be alone thank you.” There. You made me say it. You’ve embarrassed us both.

J. doesn’t really understand. Of course he’s never seen it from a woman’s point of view. Men tend not to hit on me when he’s around, and he wouldn’t have the same reaction if a woman hit on him. I always tell him. Sometimes I wonder if he believes me, since he’s never seen it happen, and it’s not as though I’m stunningly beautiful. “You will leave the apartment while I’m away, won’t you?” he’ll ask. To do what? I can’t go anywhere or sit anywhere. “Yes you can, you can go and have a coffee.” No I can’t, not by myself. A single woman is a target. The argument descended into the ridiculous: I feel slutty sitting on my own, I look like I’m trying to pick someone up! “But I’ve seen loads of French women sat on their own.” Finally I promised him I’d go out. With that in mind, I waved his taxi goodbye and went to the seafront, where I was promptly hit on.

Sometimes I wish I had a sign, or I could use the coloured handkerchief in the back pocket system: green for go, amber for maybe, red for “back off you predatory scumbag”. I was reading through some of Riverbend’s old blogs, and she was explaining how to Muslims, the “hijab” (headscarf, not veil) is to protect females from sexual harassment. “It acts as a sort of safeguard against ogling and uninvited attention.” I wonder if it actually works? Do you think a mock wedding ring would do the same thing? I hope so. Then I can just hold up my hand and say, “Non monsieur: regardez,” and no one will have to be embarrassed. Do you think women ever get pestered into marriage by these predatory men, just so they can have the protection of the wedding ring? Perhaps it’s all a male plot.

The B student whine

I’m tired of being a B student. I am not a B student inside. I bulldozed through an IQ test a couple of weeks ago and got 133, but I felt I could have done better with a little revision beforehand. My GCSE results were erratic – As, Bs, Cs, Ds, Es, depending on whether I could be bothered or not. I did only two A levels because I had fibromyalgia, I got an A in the subject I worked on (English lit), and a D in the one I didn’t (sociology). I have a clear and rounded understanding of sociology, I just couldn’t be bothered to learn the quotes. I got a 2:1 in my degree, and I felt like they gave it to me out of sympathy, because of the fibromyalgia. When I did my MA in writing, I really really wanted a distinction. I got a high pass. But so many people were close to getting a distinction and didn’t get them.

I know I’m brainier than my academic results: not many people can go from being computer illiterate to .NET programmer in two years. My technical abilities rapidly outstripped those of the guy who introduced me to HTML. I went from writing Really TERRIBLE Poetry to actually fairly decent poetry in a couple of months, and that was just through self-discipline and research. I never got any real feedback.

The thing is, I don’t want to be a B student at writing. I want to be really, really good. I don’t want to disappear from the shelves of Waterstones after four weeks, like some authors I know and have read. Apparently it takes a writer an average of seven years to build up an income sufficient to live on their writing alone. I say FIE to your seven years!

I want to be Angela Carter. I want to be Jeanette Winterson. I want to be Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath… I don’t want to be Margaret Atwood, I have strangely hostile feelings towards her (if I examine them, perhaps I’ll discover jealousy amongst them).

I don’t want to be ordinary. I don’t want to get a car/settle down/1.8 kids/mortgage hell/office working in a prefab/staring out of a dull window at a grey sky all day. Little boxes little boxes every one the same.

I want to be Princess Grace, have a roof garden, write books, go to parties, be famous and notorious and have all critics describe my great works as postmodern/feminist/nonsense and live on after I die as A Great Female Author of the 21st Century.

My sister is going to be on Panorama in her role as an officer of the law. She just can’t seem to stay away from the limelight. “We think you have the right idea Emma,” said the folks back home over the phone this evening. “A nice safe desk job.”

My parents see me as the ordinary one, and my sister as the extraordinary one! You can’t possibly imagine how irritating that is to me. I am the Cinderella! I am the one with the unrecognised virtue! LOOK at ME!

I wanted to be an author from the age of eight. Already I am twenty eight, and I have wasted twenty years of my life.

The plot unravels

You know, you put a plot together, and then you have an idea for a twist, and then another idea for a twist, and all of these beautiful dramatic scenes you want to fit in, and you mould it and shape it and it almost fits together, except for this one thread. So you pick at the thread a bit, and play with the warp and the weft, and all of a sudden the whole weave unravels in your hands, and you’re left tied up in a cat’s cradle of your own making.

I tried to discuss The Plot with J. on Saturday night. He told me it seemed like I didn’t have it all worked out, and the damned thing proceeded to collapse in front of me like a house of cards.

Only two weeks ago I was complaining to K. about it; about the huge back-story, about how I couldn’t work it all in by “showing not telling,” about how dull I found it to write perfectly clean and neutral sentences, so I had to change from third person to first person to make it work.

The problem is that my main character was a dreamy-wise-calm thing (another Princess Grace), and of course I can’t write like that from the first person, so I had to change her whole personality, which took me days of brainwork. Except I still wanted to write from the third person as well, as she’s supposed to be a beautiful woman and I wanted to describe her red flowing curls and the way her body moves.

I was ten thousand words into the book when it just went jigsaw on me again, the whole picture breaking up into postmodern fragments, all because of a minor event in the plot, which should not have been a minor event, which would push the character involved in that event into a leading role in the story when I didn’t want him to. Can a book handle four main characters? I don’t know. I don’t have anything else to say about this character in this plot, he needs a whole book of his own to be understood.

I’m now at ground zero – researching plot structures and trying to choose a model: perhaps “Circe,” or maybe “Tristan,” or should it be “Romeo and Juliet”? It all hinges on the annoyance of this intrusive minor character and what I should do with him.

Niflheim

I used to live somewhere in the outer regions of Niflheim, otherwise known to its residents as Nottingham, or, if you’re one of the many American tourists who come on a pilgrimage to find Robin Hood, “Nawtinghayme.”

Contrary to popular belief, Nawtinghayme is not surrounded by Sherwood Forest. Sherwood Forest (a Disney plantation of ten year old birch trees, surrounding a rather forlorn and tired old oak), is about twenty miles north of the city.

Nawtinghayme Castle is, similarly, a reproduction. They rebuilt it in the last century, after Luddites had a big riot and burnt it down. Which is interesting, since it contained no industrial machinery.

Nawtinghayme has many features of a modern English city. Mainly, Australian themed bars, homeless people, and students. They all have the following in common: alcohol, and kangaroos. Nawtinghayme has a larger number of clubs and pubs per capita than any other city in the British Isles. It’s the closest we get to New Orleans. This has nothing to do with me. I don’t like beer.

à Nice

This year I’m living in Nice. Why? If you had a choice between living on the French Riviera or in Sheffield, which would you choose?

Nice has its own particular characteristics, namely: dogs, terrible parking, and terrible driving. The French have a relaxed attitude towards things like smoking and personal safety. Crossing a road in France is much like dicing with death. There is a rule whereby the right of way belongs to anyone pulling out from the right. This includes zebra crossings, which drivers will happily pull halfway across whilst pedestrians scurry out of their path. Similarly, the privilege of parking in Nice is a matter worth fighting over. Drivers can often be seen (and heard) bickering, horn-honking and shunting each other up the rear over spaces.

The dogs in Nice are the same size as their owner’s handbags, and often live in them. They regularly take their owners shopping to the local SPAR where they tie up their owners outside while they buy food, have fights on the floor and sniff the vegetables. The dogs often take their owners to restaurants too, where they will sit on the carpet waiting for tidbits (lower class dogs) or have their own chair and plate (upper class dogs). The dogs often pay for their meals with platinum cards.

Monaco is only fifteen kilometres away. In Monaco, there are big boats, big millionaires, smaller dogs, and open air escalators to carry dogs and their owners up hills. I don’t know what they do when it rains.